<...... I am a 50 yr old single woman. My father is 78 and my mother is 75. I am the oldest girl of 8 children. My mother has always felt sorry for herself, because she had 8 kids because the catholic church was against contraception. She has been angry and bitter her whole life and really was not a mother to us in the true sense of the word. I suffer from anxiety and depression. From the time I could I took on many responsibilities in the house-with laundry, helping with the younger children, cleaning. I really had no childhood.
My father had a stroke about 4 yrs ago and last year was diagnosed with a leaky heart valve. He is very weak and is at a point where he can't walk or really do anything for himself. My mother has to care for him. She is physically fine, but has been lazy all her life. she had a hip replacement last year but it was successful and she is fine. I feel she manipulated me my whole life so I would remain single to be there for her. I feel she is a narcissist who has only thought of her own feelings all my life. She never gave much thought as to whether I was happy. I really raised myself along with my siblings. I am very angry and resent her and really don't want to help her at all. But she claims she can't handle my father- getting him to bed, up steps and feeding him and caring for him. My brother called me tonight to ask me to go up tomorrow night and help her. I am really sick and tired of being at her beck and call. I know she is jealous of my freedom. All my life I felt I never had the right to be happier than she was. I feel she was envious of me as I was blessed with good looks. I just feel she was determined to sabatoge my life. She never encouraged me to get married (I had several boyfriends). I was very codependent and allowed her to get away with it. But I have been in therapy and have gotten much insight and strength and really want to cut all ties with my family. I just feel she will continue to bring me down until I am 80. All my siblings are married and have children, and they have backed away from her because of her controlling manipulations. She simply never grew up and took responsibilty for her roles.
I would like to get married but feel she will continue to control me as long as I let her. My younger sister does a lot for them too and she has 3 kids and a husband to care for. 3 of my siblings live away. My younger sister also wants to cut ties but like me is codependent and controlled by my mother. The other ones who live close are boys and have never helped much all my life as my mother never expected them to. My oldest brother is separated from his wife (he was ruined by my mother and also never grew up and is an alcoholic) and he is living with my parents and paying no rent and then takes jobs up the mountains so he doesn't have to be there. (he does construction work).
My father just got out of the hospital because the fluid built up in his lungs (my mother didn't administer his medications properly) and he got pneumonia. He was in a rehab for 4 weeks and just came home. My mother refuses to get in 24 hour care (she can afford it) and then she wants me to drop my life and go running up there when she gets over whelmed. He has been home since Friday and already she can't handle him. I just am so angry and want to run away and that will force her to deal with it. Any advice you would have would be appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give you a good picture. Thanks for your help. Also, my father was very selfish and never helped my mother around the house and she resents him for that. (they were both spoiled children-my father was an only child and my mother was the youngest of 5) So they didn't have a good, loving marriage. He resented us children for taking attention from my mother.
Sunday 20th of November 2005 03:29:50 AM
From: Linda Sittler
It sounds like you and your brothers and sisters have some issues with
your mom. None of us had a perfect childhood--and when there are 8 brothers and sisters, a parent's time, temper and energy is stretched to the limits and there is less time for each child. Sometimes children from large families have self-esteem problems.
If you want to get married, THEN DO IT. It's never too late! Go out and
find the man of your dreams (or maybe you've found him already). Your mom
and dad can't stop you from doing anything you want--you don't need their
permission. You're a grown woman.
As far as taking care of your dad, first remember that whatever you do to
help him, do it out of LOVE FOR YOUR DAD. Helping your dad should be out of compassion for him and has nothing to do with your feelings about your
mother. Let's be realistic, our parents can't live forever. With all of
your dad's problems, he may not be "long for this world." So try to enjoy
the precious time that you and your brothers and sisters have left with him.
Use the time to "tie up old hurts" and bind the old wounds once and for
all. (Better now than after he is gone.)
By the way, the same goes for your mother. All of you siblings know what
your mother is like--you aren't going to change her--so deal with it. Don't lament it anymore--because that gives her control over your lives. Use your time left with your parents wisely. They won't be here forever. How will you feel when they are gone? Now is the time to "try to make peace with them."
I am not suggesting that you let your mother or your brothers and sisters
"walk all over you." You are lucky to have 7 siblings to help you (and your mother) with your sick dad. As the oldest, call up the others--even the ones that live out of town--and say that you are making a schedule for when they will each take turns helping mom with dad. (If the boys don't feel they can help, suggest that their wives each take turns.) I know of other families who have done that. Even the siblings who lived out of town had to take their turn with helping their elderly parent.
You said your sisters and brothers have families and children. So
what--I am sure you have a life of your own too--even if you are single.
Don't be ashamed of being single! You must be working somewhere and have
responsibilities of your own. (If not, then use your time to obtain these
kinds of things for yourself.) How about that oldest brother who lives
with your parents and pays no rent? He is a prime candidate to do more than his fair share to help. (By the way, mom and dad can't be that bad if they are letting him live with them like that.)
Life is so short and so precious. I hope that you will set your
boundaries with all the members of your family, get your siblings to do
their fair share, start doing the things you really want to (without
excuses), and find peace with mom and dad in these precious few days that
are left. Good luck.
Peace, Joy, and God Bless,
<...... I have been singing and writing since the age of 15. When I started searching for Boomer support groups for Baby Boomer musicians, I haven't been able to really find any. It seems like the thought of any Baby Boomer trying to enter the music world is laughable at best and pathetic at worst. What a shame because I think I'm origianl and good and I think that if people heard me, they would like me. Forgive my forwardness but I am learning that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
It seems to be okay with society to be a Baby Boomer musician if you started when you were twenty or younger but not okay if you are getting started. It's like you are supposed to only do it as a hobby if you are my age. If you were fortunate to have some success at a younger age and you try to get back into the business, you are thought of as a "has been" and consider a b-act. To me, that is like throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Talent counts I know and is important for any musician to be successful. However, there are a lot of talented Baby Boomers out there with a passion for music and a desire to pursue it full time.
I guess my question to you is why do others look at us funny when we say we want to start a second career in our 40's or even 50's? Worse yet, why do we count ourselves out by saying things like, "I'm too old to try anything new" or "I would do it if I were a litte younger but not now"? This Baby Boomer movement is the best thing to happen to people in our age bracket in a long time. It's a chance to change ideas and make a new start! They say that there's a time for every season and for Baby Boomers, I think this is it!
Linda, can you give me your thoughts on the subject? I am writing you in hopes that another Baby Boomer musician who wants to pursue music full time will find the courage to do so! Thanks!
Just trying to see whether this page works.
Saturday 03rd of March 2007 09:34:30 PM
Dear Linda, This is a nice site. Are you going to write any more article? I enjoy reading them.
<...... THey spammed us really bad so we have to shut this down again SORRY!.