By The Men's Editor

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE
By Gary Sorkin

It’s one of THOSE days. You look at your computer screen and ask “why?” What am I doing staring at this screen? How did I get here?

I was asleep and I was dreaming of lying on a beach in the South Pacific - not a Survivor Island beach - a beach with a hotel and a swimming pool and lots and lots of people who walk past you and ask, “Is there anything you need, sir?” You think for awhile, and ask, ”Hmm, what is in that coconut shell with the umbrella sticking out? The blue umbrella, not the purple one.”

A woman walks by. My, my, isn’t she pretty? Maybe I’ll just go ask her if she’ll join me for my day in the sun. We can watch the waves come up to our toes. The sand looks like little diamonds sparkling in the sky. The woman whispers in my ear. “Yes, yes, that does sound good.”

The phone just rang. It was a bank offering me a great discount on life insurance. No, no, no, not today - some other day maybe, just not today.

Where’s that woman? Oh well, she’s walking away - another will be along in a few seconds. There’s no hurry.

Boy, I love the South Pacific. I have to remember to buy that Villa here this year - The one with the fountains, and the grotto, and the lush gardens. The waterfall is my breaking point. I can’t resist a house with a good waterfall. I forget what the price is - it was over 10 million; no big deal, a million more or less. I wonder if there’s a MAC machine on this beach?

“Waiter, waiter, can I get this refilled? Thank you so very much. That’s right, the blue umbrella.”

This stack of bills has been lying next to me for two weeks now. I’ll turn them over and pretend that they are a pile of chips in the casino over there on the hill. Yes, that casino - the one with the golden walls, the mink carpeting, and the gentlemen in tuxedos and the ladies in low-cut evening gowns.

“Oh, croupier, can you change these 100 dollar chips for thousands? That would be so very kind of you.” I really don’t mind losing. It’s the action that I crave. Win a few hundred thou - lose a few hundred thou - what does it mean? There’s plenty more where that came from. That pretty woman is standing very closely behind me. I can feel her breath on my neck. Here, this roll of the dice is for you, my sweet island girl. Now, would you look at that - we won. Yes, you may kiss me.

My ex-wife just called. She wanted to know if I would pick her up at the car repair shop. Her old Mazda is broken again.

I think it’s time to tell the croupier that I’m going to cash my chips in. This young lady and I have to go for a candlelight dinner and then a walk on the beach. The moon is so big at this time of year. There’s a warm breeze. She’ll rest her head on my shoulder. I’ll hold her around her waist. We’ll drink from this bottle of champagne. We’ll kiss. After that, well, “who knows?”

It just thundered. My computer screen blinked. I think we may be having a black-out.

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!!