September 22, 2000
Decisions On Placing A Loved One 
By: Gail R Mitchell

One of the most difficult challenges 
we face is the need to place our loved 
ones in an assisted living facility or 
a nursing home. The decision is 
probably one of the hardest ones 
we will ever face in our lifetime. One 
thought you must keep in mind is that 
there are many good nursing homes 
available. It is up to you to assist your 
loved one if they are coherent in 
discovering what is available to them 
should the need arise. This requires 
research and investigation as to what 
is available in the local area. If your 
put off investigating, you will find 
yourself in a difficult position, if you 
wait until the time arrives that you 
must place them immediately.

After my father passed, my mother 
had become critically ill. There was a 
possibility that she would have to be 
placed in a rehabilitation facility if she 
did not recover. Fortunately she healed 
well and there was no need for 
placement. Time passed and I 
explained to her what I was feeling. 
I assured her I would never place 
her in a facility unless it was absolutely 
necessary. However, I insisted that 
she visit one or two homes so we 
would be prepared if circumstances 
ever led to her requiring placement. 
My mother was so resistant. It was 
if her life caved in on her. I carefully 
explained that as I had been 
working with so many caregivers 
online, I heard many stories of 
placement that were horrific because 
there was no time to "research 
and investigation." I lovingly 
discussed her last bout in the 
hospital. I asked her openly how 
I could have handled it if I were out 
of the country on business or 
even living out of the state. She 
couldn't answer. She understood 
and agreed to look at one or two 
homes. We went to one of the best 
homes outside the city. When we got 
out of the taxi, her first response was,
” If you ever put me in here, I won't 
leave you a cent! Your father would 
have loved it because it is rural but I 
want to die in New York City!" We 
both laughed out loud at her 
response.

We began to view the facility. It 
was a magnificent. It was also 
huge. We opted to not take the 
tour and walked around on our 
own, observing as much as possible. 
We spoke with individuals who 
placed themselves into the home
 because they had no one to care 
for them. We learned that if you 
were really not able to care for 
yourself and incoherent, that a 
full time aid was needed to tend 
to the carerecipient as well. We 
had lunch and discussed our 
observations. On the ride back 
home my mom looked me straight 
in my eyes and said, "I am glad 
that we came. This is what I 
want to do should a catastrophe 
arise and I am in need of 
placement. If I have my faculties, 
I want you to hire to full time 
aids 24/7 to care for me in my 
own apartment. In this way 
you can still oversee my care. 
If I lose my faculties, I want 
you to put me in the home that 
Grandma was in. It was good 
enough for grandma. Your 
father and I had no guilt feelings 
about placing her, as that is 
what she needed. I have no 
need to check out any other 
places. This is my decision."

And to this day, I respect her 
decision. It is her choice and I 
will accommodate her when 
and if the time arises. The most i
mportant issue is that we have 
clarity as to how to handle it 
should her situation ever require 
placement.

Most caregivers promise they 
will never place their loved one 
into a home. Unfortunately, in 
many situations, it becomes a 
necessity for many reasons. 
The two most important 
reasons is that the carerecipient 
can longer care for themselves, 
(they may in fact be a detriment 
to themselves); and the caregiver 
may burnout physically, mentally 
or emotionally, and no longer be 
able to care for themselves 
properly. However, because of 
the promise they may have 
made to their loved one, they 
are determined to keep them 
at home. It is because of their 
"promise" that most caregivers 
do burnout and in many cases, 
the care of their loved one is 
sacrificed.

One caregiver, Harriet, shared how 
her father who had Alzheimer's and 
was living at home with her. Not 
only was he continent but also he 
had started fires unintentionally 
indicating that he was not able to 
care for himself. Being ill herself, 
Harriet was going to need surgery 
that meant placing her father in 
respite at a nursing home nearby. 
The guilt she suffered was 
unbearable because of the promise 
she had made to him to never put 
him in a nursing home. When the 
time came to place him for two 
weeks in respite, she observed 
how easily he took to the facility. 
He was with other people his age 
and there was a solid staff to care 
for him.  Meals were prepared and 
served to him. There were daily 
activities that kept him involved. 
Harriet made the decision not to 
bring him home after she healed 
from her surgery. She let go of 
her guilt as she observed how 
much she tried to live up to a 
promise she could no longer keep. 
Harriet was able to regain her life 
and remain as the overseer of his 
care, visiting him daily without all 
the pressures.

Promises aren't legally binding yet 
caregivers feel bound to them. In 
actuality, it is what binds them to 
the guilt they can suffer and their 
poor decisions that may arise while 
caring for their loved ones. A 
promise may have been made from 
their heart or dictated by the one 
they care for - but situations 
change. 

If your loved one has coerced you into 
promising never to place them in a home 
it can be for many reasons. 
Some may be:

·They are afraid of being abandoned, 
 unloved or taken advantage of.

·They are afraid of being abused in 
 the home as their loved one may 
 have been at one time.

·They may not trust you to care for 
 them the way they think you should.

·They are fearful, controlling, and 
 manipulative.

Instead of making a promise that you are 
not able to keep, it is best to communicate 
with your loved one that you will do the 
following:

·We will not abandon you no matter 
 what situation arises.

·We will always provide you with the 
 best care we can afford.

·We will always do what is for the 
 highest good for you as well as the 
 rest of the family.

·We will always treat you with respect 
 and dignity and see that others treat 
 you in this fashion.

By talking these issues through with 
your loved one, you will be guided into 
making the right choices. Next week 
our topic will be "Nursing Home 
Selections and Assessment."

Richest Blessings, 
Gail




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