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RELATIONSHIPS
Archived From Yahoo Boomers International Bulletin Boards
HER NEEDS
STARJM50
(52/M/Kannapolis NC) 2/20/01 7:32 pm
Women are more complex.
Their needs and desires
are numerous, but fluctuate.
A woman has a need for:
*Better listening from her husband: interactive,
empathetic communication.
*Having her "petty" problems taken seriously:
for
discussion of (and sometimes help in solving)
difficulties.
*More regular and more open communication:
obvious
attentiveness and interest, both on facts and
feelings levels.
*Attention besides when he wants sex:
feeling that
she's a love partner, not just a love object or
tool.
*Appreciation: thanks and gratitude for all she does.
*A real (or apparent) interest in her life:
curiosity about her day, beliefs, dreams.
*Demonstrated affection and courtesy in front of
others:
enjoyment of and pride in being seen with
her.
*Being a part of her husband's life:
by sharing
goals and values with her, talking over business,
etc.
*Little remembrances: notes, gifts, or special plans
that say, "I love you."
*Quality time away from the kids: whether a weekend
away or a drive around the block.
*Inclusion in things he does: companionship in
events or wanting her involvement when he's away.
*Her husband's involvement in things she enjoys:
willingness to indulge, if not share, her favorite
pleasures.
*Understanding: trying to comprehend using intuition
and logic.
*Closeness: holding her in his arms, for protecting
her.
*Tenderness: use of kind words and sensitive tones.
*Help with the children: in discipline, in training,
in presenting a united front.
*Verbal expressions of caring: compliments, praise,
affirmation.
*Acceptance of who she is as she is: permission to
be imperfect, affirmation of her appearance,
character, achievements.
*More family time: everyday attention, regular
outings, and vacations.
*Desirability: feeling like a special and feminine
woman.
-Starjm50
Re: Her Needs!!!! femmefataleca
(52/F/San Jose, CA) 2/22/01 12:09 am
Jim, your list of women's needs seems very patronizing and...well...needy, constantly needing a verbal reinforcement of a man's affection. While much of that is true, what was ommitted are the many needs we have in common.
I've added them to your Women's list from the Men's list, with some minor changes:
*Faithfulness: knowledge that the man she loves
will be monogomous and never sell her or her family out; that is, pursue his dreams and gratification at their expense
*Support and partnership: realizing that love is not a 50-50 proposition, but a careful balancing of the love and talents each partner brings to the relationship, where one submits to the other for the good of the whole family by relinguishing one's ego (we BOTH have to deal with this!), and where such submission is not one-sided.
*Importance: status and value in giving advice in making plans.
*Respect: feeling that she is held in high esteem, privately and publicly.
*A partner: someone with whom to share all her life, for life.
*Freedom and solitude: free time from all of her round-the-clock family and career duties when she can meditate/pray, soak in a hot bath, play, veg, do her female bonding thing, shop for fun, get crazy, or do whatever brings her a brief respite from the non-stop compulsion to be the caretaker.
*Confidence and trust: in her partner to pay attention to details that matter, like the childrens' safety when he's in their charge, and recognizing when some things just aren't worth fretting over, in relation to the big picture of life together; to not have her trust shaken.
The female, biologically speaking, is more communo-centric. She has been the nurturer-caretaker, thus, her needs are those of security, rearing the young, and communication of her and her needs and to those in her family nucleus to successfully perform those tasks.
She communicates very verbally, requiring discourse, feedback, and affectionate reassurance as a means of being.
As she has evolved socially/economically (participating in the income stream), educationally (heightening awareness of other beliefs, lifestyles, freedoms; enabling her to expand), and sexually (with reproductive freedom), her needs have expanded, often adopting traditional male ego-driven behaviors.
Without support from her that he feels he needs, he may feel as threatened as if it were another male invading his turf and usurping his power.
- femmefataleca
We love to hear from you and welcome your feedback.
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HIS NEEDS
STARJM50
(52/M/Kannapolis NC) 2/20/01 7:32 pm
Understanding Your Differences
Men are not all that complex in their needs, but
those needs are very intense. A man has a need for:
*Faithfulness: knowledge that the woman he loves
will never sell him out.
*Support and submission: assurance that his wife
will follow his lead without questioning every
decision he makes, especially in crises.
*Encouragement: sympathy, faith support, and
understanding - in good times, but even more in bad
times.
*Importance: status and value in giving advice in
making plans.
*Respect: feeling that he is held in high esteem,
privately and publicly.
*A completer: someone to give him input for his
decisions, quiet admonishment about his flesh
patterns, and spiritual and moral support.
*A partner: someone with whom to share all his life,
for life.
-Starjm50
femmefataleca
(52/F/San Jose, CA) 2/22/01 12:09 am
As for the men, I think you forgot two biggies:
*Manly time: time to be alone and do what he wants, time to do some male bonding in sporting or social endeavors with men without his wife's presence, time to be free of responsibilities...some time to escape.
*Sex: a man needs a partner who realizes that men and women usually have different sexual desires and needs, is willing to attend to his sexual needs, not just hers, lets him fantasize and not be jealous about his fantasies or self-explorations, and does not use the denial of sex as retaliation for some misdeed.
(The irony here is that if men addressed most of their partner's needs, they probably would get all the sex they wanted!)
Now, since some of these needs are the same, conflict often arises.
That is when the relationship needs to establish some ground rules and expectations, so that resentment does not gnaw away at it.
Women, understanding their men's needs and vice versa, need to realize when submission to the other is for the good of the whole or an act of love that strengthens the relationship and begins the balancing act of what really matters in the relationship.
Women's earning power has directly impacted relationships, with women declaring a certain independence as a co-provider, resenting men still calling the shots.
Men feel their stature and power being whittled away by social change.
Resentment, which triggers conflict, builds on each side, similar to that caused by generation gaps that are creating management chasms in the workplace: oligarchies are no longer the game du jour, yet much of our biological and societal memory still holds onto designated roles in family life and work. We suffer from the change.
In a nutshell, I think men and women really just want to know that the other is aware of the differences and similarities in their needs. It will be their own maturity in dealing with and giving of themselves to those differences that will give the relationship a chance to survive.
This Is a Reply to: Msg 15770 by STARJM50 View Replies to this Message
Almost all male needs are egocentric: meaning he is the center of his universe and the relationship.
I agee with you that your list is still at the core of his existence: constant validation and support of his power.
He communicates physically, through deeds, accomplishments, and declarations.
He wants help primarily only when he asks for it, less he be thought unworthy.
Children and his mate/wife are on the periphery to support his success.
His partner is his support, not his equal.
His image is most important.
This goes way back biologically on the evolutionary track, with the strongest male animals becoming king of the mountain or pack--tending to procreation and the regeneration of him through his progeny.
His strength/status and his image are of utmost importance if he is to have any change at all of obtaining and keeping a mate and propulgating his species.
Many men have evolved socially, expanding their needs to include allowing a spouse/partner to relieve some of his burden.
He may even participate in relieving some of hers.
- femmefataleca
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