To start, fresh off the line from your
secretary [who hung up on me] I'll have to
say - I know you're busy - I know you've
no time to waste - I know the current model
of an important man is one which is tied up
in a traffic jam, one hand on the wheel, the
portable phone wenched between his shoulder
and ear, the other hand trying to keep his
kids from knocking into the dashboard controls,
and his wife yelling at him for getting her
into this mess in the first place.
And just cause he works twenty four hours
a day, and all the efforts of his lifetime
have not produced for him one spare minute
for leisure or friendship, and just cause
he's an absolute turkey at managing his
energy flow and at 'balancing the budget'
doesn't necessarily qualify him to be
called a V.I.P.
And just cause someone seems to have 'all the
time in the world' doesn't necessarily qualify
him to be called a B.U.M.
(doesn't stand for anything.)
To people like your secretary I've just one
thing to say: "I'm ten times busier than you -
yet I've all the free time in the world -
freedom's a full time business."
And when I tell her I've got the story of the
century for sale - she tells me that she knows
already, and it's the hundredth call she's had
like this today.
And then I'm stumped. . . She knows already?. . .
How come?. . . Oh - that's her clever technique of
obtaining what she desires, commonly known as 'envy'
- the purpose being to drive the price down to nil
- till everything's upside down and I'm down on my
knees begging her - for any price at all - to
please listen to my poor tale of woe. . .
Oh Princess kiss me - though I be but a mere
frog. . .
And then I get interested. . .Is pissing on your
food [as a dog does to claim ownership] before
you eat it - the cause of cancer?
Is hating what you love - the cause of cancer?
If you want a guitar you love - is it wise to call
it 'a worthless piece of shit' first?
If you want to rent an apartment - is it wise to
call it 'a run down rat hole' first?
If you like a girl - is it wise to say 'she has
problems and will probably die without you' on
your first date?
Is cursing something 'before it enters your
system' the cause of cancer?
Is this 'know it all' - pseudo hip - pseudo
cool - 'piss on you attitude' the cause of
It does sound a bit ridiculous - I have to
admit, and none of this is going to hold water
unless this poor writer [who only wanted to
sell the story of the century to Rolling Stone
Magazine for one million dollars] can find a cure
to cancer right here and now, because - here's a
guy with more important things to do.
Like. . . I was driving to Frisco, my car broke
down, I gotta fix it, No! I don't want no sissy
ass Nobel Prize for it - I've got more important
things to do!
So. . . I'd better make myself a cup of coffee
and wrap it up quick.
O.K: THE CURE TO CANCER. . .written in capitals.
. .mmm. . .my coffee sure tastes good. . .Well.
. .I think the title speaks for itself. .
.don't you?. . .you don't?. . .
O.K. New paragraph -
THE CURE TO CANCER IS: notice the 'IS'
- that's new - we're a progressive company,
we have assessment sheets and flow charts
showing the steady progress of our
firm which is now developing a -
CURE FOR CANCER: Hmm. . . . . . . .
then it must have to do with acknowledging
where things come from properly. . .
but how's that going to help a cancer
patient due in for radiation therapy?
Ah. . .it's probably like Dorothy in the
'Wizard of Oz' - all you've got to do is
click your heels three times and wake up. . .
Well. . .since everything comes from our
parents, is loving them the key to it?
What's that have to do with cancer?
. . .If we love them we are in perfect unity. .
.the opposite of disease. . .
But loving them as a complaining little child?
No - loving our parents means to acknowledge
the two steady 'wills' or 'wishes' or 'hopes'
they've had 'ON' on us since birth, because
at the moment of conception our father had a
will, our mother had a will, and it was
unified in love, and that's us, that's our
proper cell structure, our 'WILL DaNA'.
So - is to obey both our parents wills by
listening to them and making these two
wills one within us - the cure to cancer?
Well. . .try it, I don't have cancer, but
'something' tells me that someone there
wanted to hear this little story for
I'm just a poor writer that called up to
sell Rolling Stone Magazine the story
of the century for a million dollars
and got pissed on.
When I called Rolling Stone in hopes
of publishing my story, I was fully aware
that the soul had departed from their body,
and that they were limping along on past
merits, past memories, and that their name
was just a name - and not theirs.
But, as it was Christmas, and here and
there were tiny little hands sticking out
of it saying: "We're still alive",
I decided to try a courageous attempt
to cut through the bull.
Because - I liked all the people that
Rolling Stone used to unite, because -
it used to be the only magazine that
dared tell the truth - even about the
subjects you didn't necessarily want to
know anything about but 'had to', and all
this without making you get off the
'hippie bus' or extinguish your joint.
But - to no avail. As that last Buddha
movie tried to say at the end: 'the soul
can live without a body - but the body
can't live without a soul' - just as
electricity exists without a discotheque
- but a discotheque doesn't exist without
And since this empty shell of a government
kiss ass magazine considers that it can live
very well without life, and do very 'big
business' by accepting 'donated articles'
instead of paying for it's own existence
As I was trying to say, very politely, very
elegantly, and with what Tom Sawyer called
style - FUCK YOU! - I'll incarnate elsewhere.
. . .Exactly three days later from saying
these magic words I was reborn with the
ability to speak to the 'Woodstock Children',
tell them the truth, even about the subjects
they don't necessarily want to know anything
about, all without making anyone get off the
'hippie bus' or extinguish their joints.
* Purpose of leaving fax title 'as it lays'
is not to boast of 'connections in high places'.
Purpose is for one: his name is perfect, for two:
I like the sound of 'Rolling Stone', for three:
this case of 'red tape and politics' is
archetypical, fourthly: I needed an introduction,
fifthly: I hate his guts, and sixthly:
I needed to heal myself.
* Definition of the word 'hippie' is: young.
Youth and young age aren't the same thing.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ahem!
. . .anybody got a light?
CORRECTIONS: FOR THE KOSHER EDITION
Mom: "Joseph, the publishers won't accept
the word 'shit' on page one, you'll
have to change it."
Joseph: "Whew. . .tch - well, would they accept
'crap' as a replacement?"
Mom: "Hold on a minute, I've got them on the
other line. . .Joseph?
Yes, they say they'll accept it."
Joseph: "O.K., if you'll just take a scissors
and cut the 'shit' I'll send you some crap
first thing in the morning."
Mom: "Fine. . .but Joseph, you'll also
have to change the 'FUCK YOU' on page two,
they'll never accept that in a million
Joseph: "But that's the whole point -
nobody will accept it!"
Mom: "Joseph, be reasonable, you can't
sacrifice the whole project
just for one word."
Joseph: "O.K. . . .hmm. . .how about
'F__K YOU' leaving out the u and the
c. If we leave out the 'uc' no one will
see it, they'll be blind to it, it'll
be passed over."
"Tell the publisher that this is
the correct Hebrew pronunciation of
the word, as in Hebrew the vowels are
considered sacred and left out at times."
Mom: "O.K. . .hold on a minute. . .
Joseph? Yes - he says it'll do, but he
asked me to ask you why in Hebrew the
vowels are considered sacred?"
Joseph: "Well. . .tell him it's because
the consonants are masculine and
the vowels are feminine, and since it's
the men that are the scholars, the books
were written for them."
"The vowels were taken out and
given to the woman so the woman could say
'ooh' and 'aah'."