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WebSideStory Pick of the Week! 3/16/98

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    To start, fresh off the line from your 
    secretary [who hung up on me] I'll have to 
    say - I know you're busy - I know you've 
    no time to waste - I know the current model 
    of an important man is one which is tied up 
    in a traffic jam, one hand on the wheel, the 
    portable phone wenched between his shoulder 
    and ear, the other hand trying to keep his 
    kids from knocking into the dashboard controls, 
    and his wife yelling at him for getting her 
    into this mess in the first place.  
    And just cause he works twenty four hours a day, and all the efforts of his lifetime have not produced for him one spare minute for leisure or friendship, and just cause he's an absolute turkey at managing his energy flow and at 'balancing the budget' doesn't necessarily qualify him to be called a V.I.P.
    And just cause someone seems to have 'all the time in the world' doesn't necessarily qualify him to be called a B.U.M. (doesn't stand for anything.)
    To people like your secretary I've just one thing to say: "I'm ten times busier than you - yet I've all the free time in the world - freedom's a full time business."
    And when I tell her I've got the story of the century for sale - she tells me that she knows already, and it's the hundredth call she's had like this today.
    And then I'm stumped. . . She knows already?. . . How come?. . . Oh - that's her clever technique of obtaining what she desires, commonly known as 'envy' - the purpose being to drive the price down to nil - till everything's upside down and I'm down on my knees begging her - for any price at all - to please listen to my poor tale of woe. . .
    Oh Princess kiss me - though I be but a mere frog. . .
    And then I get interested. . .Is pissing on your food [as a dog does to claim ownership] before you eat it - the cause of cancer?
    Is hating what you love - the cause of cancer?
    If you want a guitar you love - is it wise to call it 'a worthless piece of shit' first?
    If you want to rent an apartment - is it wise to call it 'a run down rat hole' first?
    If you like a girl - is it wise to say 'she has problems and will probably die without you' on your first date?
    Is cursing something 'before it enters your system' the cause of cancer?
    Is this 'know it all' - pseudo hip - pseudo cool - 'piss on you attitude' the cause of cancer?
    It does sound a bit ridiculous - I have to admit, and none of this is going to hold water unless this poor writer [who only wanted to sell the story of the century to Rolling Stone Magazine for one million dollars] can find a cure to cancer right here and now, because - here's a guy with more important things to do.
    Like. . . I was driving to Frisco, my car broke down, I gotta fix it, No! I don't want no sissy ass Nobel Prize for it - I've got more important things to do!
    So. . . I'd better make myself a cup of coffee and wrap it up quick.
    O.K: THE CURE TO CANCER. . .written in capitals. . .mmm. . .my coffee sure tastes good. . .Well. . .I think the title speaks for itself. . .don't you?. . .you don't?. . . O.K. New paragraph -
    THE CURE TO CANCER IS: notice the 'IS' - that's new - we're a progressive company, we have assessment sheets and flow charts showing the steady progress of our firm which is now developing a -
    CURE FOR CANCER: Hmm. . . . . . . . then it must have to do with acknowledging where things come from properly. . . but how's that going to help a cancer patient due in for radiation therapy?
    Ah. . .it's probably like Dorothy in the 'Wizard of Oz' - all you've got to do is click your heels three times and wake up. . .
    Well. . .since everything comes from our parents, is loving them the key to it?
    What's that have to do with cancer? . . .If we love them we are in perfect unity. . .the opposite of disease. . . But loving them as a complaining little child?
    No - loving our parents means to acknowledge the two steady 'wills' or 'wishes' or 'hopes' they've had 'ON' on us since birth, because at the moment of conception our father had a will, our mother had a will, and it was unified in love, and that's us, that's our proper cell structure, our 'WILL DaNA'.
    So - is to obey both our parents wills by listening to them and making these two wills one within us - the cure to cancer? Well. . .try it, I don't have cancer, but 'something' tells me that someone there wanted to hear this little story for Christmas. I'm just a poor writer that called up to sell Rolling Stone Magazine the story of the century for a million dollars and got pissed on. When I called Rolling Stone in hopes of publishing my story, I was fully aware that the soul had departed from their body, and that they were limping along on past merits, past memories, and that their name was just a name - and not theirs. But, as it was Christmas, and here and there were tiny little hands sticking out of it saying: "We're still alive", I decided to try a courageous attempt to cut through the bull. Because - I liked all the people that Rolling Stone used to unite, because - it used to be the only magazine that dared tell the truth - even about the subjects you didn't necessarily want to know anything about but 'had to', and all this without making you get off the 'hippie bus' or extinguish your joint. But - to no avail. As that last Buddha movie tried to say at the end: 'the soul can live without a body - but the body can't live without a soul' - just as electricity exists without a discotheque - but a discotheque doesn't exist without electricity. And since this empty shell of a government kiss ass magazine considers that it can live very well without life, and do very 'big business' by accepting 'donated articles' instead of paying for it's own existence then - As I was trying to say, very politely, very elegantly, and with what Tom Sawyer called style - FUCK YOU! - I'll incarnate elsewhere. . . .Exactly three days later from saying these magic words I was reborn with the ability to speak to the 'Woodstock Children', tell them the truth, even about the subjects they don't necessarily want to know anything about, all without making anyone get off the 'hippie bus' or extinguish their joints.

    * Purpose of leaving fax title 'as it lays' is not to boast of 'connections in high places'. Purpose is for one: his name is perfect, for two: I like the sound of 'Rolling Stone', for three: this case of 'red tape and politics' is archetypical, fourthly: I needed an introduction, fifthly: I hate his guts, and sixthly: I needed to heal myself.
    * Definition of the word 'hippie' is: young. Youth and young age aren't the same thing.
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ahem! . . .anybody got a light?
    Mom: "Joseph, the publishers won't accept the word 'shit' on page one, you'll have to change it."
    Joseph: "Whew. . .tch - well, would they accept 'crap' as a replacement?"
    Mom: "Hold on a minute, I've got them on the other line. . .Joseph?
    Yes, they say they'll accept it."
    Joseph: "O.K., if you'll just take a scissors and cut the 'shit' I'll send you some crap first thing in the morning."

    Mom: "Fine. . .but Joseph, you'll also have to change the 'FUCK YOU' on page two, they'll never accept that in a million years."
    Joseph: "But that's the whole point - nobody will accept it!"
    Mom: "Joseph, be reasonable, you can't sacrifice the whole project just for one word."
    Joseph: "O.K. . . .hmm. . .how about 'F__K YOU' leaving out the u and the
    c. If we leave out the 'uc' no one will see it, they'll be blind to it, it'll be passed over."
    "Tell the publisher that this is the correct Hebrew pronunciation of the word, as in Hebrew the vowels are considered sacred and left out at times."
    Mom: "O.K. . .hold on a minute. . . Joseph? Yes - he says it'll do, but he asked me to ask you why in Hebrew the vowels are considered sacred?"
    Joseph: "Well. . .tell him it's because the consonants are masculine and the vowels are feminine, and since it's the men that are the scholars, the books were written for them."
    "The vowels were taken out and given to the woman so the woman could say 'ooh' and 'aah'."
    STORY CONTINUED..... - World's Largest Selection

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